Painting by Duy Huynh
I can’t sleep. I started reading Shakespeare (Macbeth) today, and now I’m pondering. This is what always tends to happen. The book can be deep or shallow, and I’ll still ponder. I’ve been told that I wonder off in space when I put down a good book—that the only time that I’ve ever appeared focused on something is when I’m looking at words in a book. Other than that, I’m staring off into space or I’m quiet and reclusive. I’ve had co-workers on numerous occasions ask me, “are you okay?” when I appear to be “more quiet than usual.” I respond with, “yea, I’m fine. Just did some reading before I came in today, that’s all.” They NEVER appear to be satisfied with that answer.
Thank God I was off today.
Either life is becoming more harsh than “good” and the “promising” or we’ve gotten really bad at encouraging. I was telling a friend via FaceTime yesterday that the “hey, look at the bright side” retort is almost never sufficient. 95% of whatever is on the bright side” of things never seems equate or outweigh the Hell that I’m dealing with at that particular time. We should definitely get a grip on this and quick. People are suffering and the best that we can do is offer them whatever insufficient thing on the “bright side.” It sure ain’t helping me…
I’m starting to notice how I’ve been turning to the Spirit a lot more as of late. I think reading the book Spirited: Affirming the Soul and Black Gay/Lesbian Identity this week played a part in it. I haven’t been to church in weeks, and quite frankly, I don’t feel that I need to. But I’d be perfidious if I didn’t acknowledge the small ways in which I recognize when an entity outside of myself is at work. I can’t elucidate it, but it’s there. I’ve gotten myself in a lot of crazy situations, and I know that it had to have been this entity that saved my ass, no other excuse, no other explanation about it. There’s also a peace that comes along with it too. Things that I used to get upset about, doesn’t even phase me anymore. I spent days worried about taking a Math class this upcoming semester. I hate Math. I also worried about the potential of having to take an online course. But today, as I sat in the advisors office, this calm, this peace came over me. I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t anxious. I told myself that whatever happened, would happen and I would power through it.
The math class that I was anxious about, I don’t even have to take. Online courses? Forget about it. Not even necessary.
I’ve seen the spirit show up in ways like this many times before, particularly in my teens. Back then, I would’ve called it Jesus. Now, I’m not so sure. I’m going to go with Spirit. It is Spirit.
Nevertheless, I will keep Spirit in my grasp. This is one of those unique seasons in my life where a lot of doors open at once (I’m grateful for the many doors opening!), and I have to be really discerning as to what move to make. I’m sure the Universe will order every step of mine—nothing is by chance.
Anyways, I say that we let life do its thing. No more partial trust. I’m talking about a full on commitment—a full on promise that we will love unconditionally, do good unto others, be thoughtful, considerate, patient, trustworthy, humble & open to correction!
That we will smile, laugh, hug, kiss, touch, cry, feel. That we will rise alongside the sun with gratefulness & gratitude, and that we will go down with the sun with favor & triumph. Let us look at the moon in awe. Let us abandon greed, jealousy & self hatred.
Love is calling us. She is telling us to step forward, turn around, close our eyes and fall back into her arms, just like a trust fall.